Listening to my name being used over and over again in
reference to a hurricane reminded me of something someone once said about me. It
was probably fifteen years ago and I was speaking with a woman I met in a
course I was taking at the time. She said that in the short time she had known
me, she had come to think of me as “Silent Storm.” As in calm, cool and
collected on the outside, hurricane-force emotion on the inside. I did a
double-take when she said that, not because I was taken aback at such an
uncommonly honest statement, but because I realized in the moment that it was
true.
Could it be that much of the agony of the last five years, as
I’ve struggled to master what’s necessary to maintain my weight loss, has been
about that “Silent Storm”? Would all of this be easier if I found a way to shut
off that voice of swirling panic and doom in my head? Knowing that you’re doing
it to yourself is both good and bad. Good because you have some measure of
control and can actually do something about it. Bad because it involves delving
into your psyche. In my experience, psyches do not take kindly to being delved
into.
Hurricane Sandy will unleash her wrath on us in the next few
days and then go away. If only my inner Hurricane Sandy would do the same.
I wasn't sure, from what you wrote, if this was like an anxiety based thing or if you meant anger.
ReplyDelete?
It's the voice that tells me I will regain all the weight back unless I maintain an iron control on how I eat and exercise. That voice generates a lot of anxiety, especially in a culture that is as food-centric as ours.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if the anxiety generates the voice?
ReplyDeleteWe do have to take care of our own actions and choices.
But I am not sure that the culture HAS to have a lot to do with it.
It makes no difference what so ever to me what is out there or what other people chose to do.
We can't change anyone but ourselves.
There is a lot of peace to be had.
I am 100% sure that the culture has something to do with it. Yes, our own actions and choices matter, and we have to deal with whatever inner demons we have. But culture can still pack a wallop. After 5 years of maintenance, I'm starting to see a place where culture might not be an issue. But for the person who has just hit their goal weight, without any experience in how to navigate, culture can be the difference between success and failure.
ReplyDelete