Sunday, June 29, 2014

The Truth About Truth

I've been wondering about stuff lately.

This is what happens when you've been successful in dealing with a problem for a while -- I've lost a lot of weight and kept it off for years! Go me! -- and then that problem turns around and bites you in the ass.

I'm starting to get back into the "eating-this-way-will-keep-my-weight-down" saddle again. Perhaps you noticed that I didn't use the phrase "healthy eating" or its cousin "eating a sensible diet." It's not that I don't believe in healthy eating or sensible diets, it's just that I don't know what either of those things mean for me.

The way of eating that keeps my weight down, in my experience, is low carb eating. I know that's trendy now and has many devoted followers (and detractors), but it works for me. By low carb, I mean a about three servings a day, maybe some oatmeal with breakfast, a slice of bread with dinner, the occasional ear of corn in the summer or baked potato in the winter. Now, complex carbohydrates are supposed to be "healthy," part of a "sensible diet," but if I eat more of these foods than what I've  just described, I gain weight. Nonsense, you say! Well, whatever, that's what happens.

There are other things I eat that are not too healthy or sensible I would guess. Such as, I'm a diet Dr. Pepper addict. Drinking diet Dr. Pepper, however, definitely helps me keep my weight down. So my question is this: what is better for my health, to eat in a way proclaimed "healthy" and gain weight? Or to eat in a way that includes some not-so-desirable aspects and be at a weight proclaimed "healthy"? And is that my only choice?

You don't expect me to answer that last question, do you?

By now, I should be some kind of expert in this weight maintenance thing, but it seems the more I know, the less I know. I'm always amused when I see an ad for a "miracle" weight loss product. Knowing how hard it is for any one person (um... me) to figure out the perfect balance between health and weight, it amazes me that anyone would think they have the answer for everyone. People buy into it though, not because they don't know better, but because I think they do. The last seven years of my life have been spent in an unending quest to discover what works for me, only to come to the depressing realization that what works for me is not a constant, unassailable truth for all time. Crap. This is one god-awful battle. Who wouldn't prefer a "miracle"?

You might ask, if it's so bad, why do it? Why not accept a higher weight and get on with your life? Don't think I haven't asked myself that same question. So for that reason alone I'm grateful for my recent weight gain -- I have been reminded in the rudest possible way why I do this. Not for some vague notion of health. Not for some vain notion of being healthy. I just feel better when I'm thinner. Period.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Eating-this-way-will-keep my-weight -down. And just what way it that?

I'll let you know.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

A Few Thoughts on the Last Year

Hey. It's been a long time hasn't it? I've been busy these last ten or so months due to family issues that I'll talk about some day. For now, let's just say it's been a tough year. 

One thing I noticed over the last year is how easy it is to slip into old habits when you're under stress. By old habits, I mean pasta-gulping, ice-cream slurping, bread-noshing habits. I read somewhere that when the body digests carbohydrates, it creates serotonin, otherwise known as the "feel-good" hormone. Well, I needed a lot of help feeling good these past few months.

Of course, that's an excuse. A good one for sure, but an excuse nonetheless.

So as I sit here writing, I also sit dealing with weight regain, thirty pounds to be exact. There are two ways to look at this I think. The first is to see myself as a complete and total failure, an utter sham. Why, don't I know that no one can keep the weight off forever? The second is to see myself as a person who lost 100 pounds and kept off 70. You see, in the past, when I regained weight, I gained it ALL back, And then some. To have gotten ahold of myself at a 30-pound regain and stopped it right there, now that is something different.

I'm spending most of my time these days in Way To Look At It #1.

It's interesting to note how I've been dealing with the practical ramifications of this weight regain, the most significant of which is that none of my clothes fit. I did keep a few "fat clothes" as insurance, but only a few, and even those don't fit well. I've been very creative at mixing and matching a limited number of ill-fitting items to cobble together five outfits for the workweek -- and who says you can't wear the same thing twice in a week? What I was determined to avoid was buying new, that is, larger, clothes. Because that felt like even more failure. Not only did I regain a large amount of weight, but I gave up and bought a new wardrobe. 

I will not not give up! I will lose this regained weight! Dammit!

Sigh.

It's about health, right? Well, yes. And no. It's also about who I am as a person. It's about how I relate to my family and friends. It's about seeing myself as someone who is worth something, thin or fat. It's a metaphor for my life.

A few weekends ago, I got fed up (no pun intended) with the situation, so I decided to buy a few pieces of clothing to alleviate my discomfort. Not a new wardrobe, but a few items. I went to Salvation Army and spent $17 on four shirts and one pair of shorts. Woohoo! Way to treat yourself girl!

I'm not sure what the next few months hold, but what I would like to do is get back to my old new eating habits and see what happens. Maybe I'll be able to lose some of the weight I regained. Maybe not. Certainly I'll feel better if I eat better. Perhaps along the way I'll discover why I equate feeling good (and to be completely truthful, BEING good) so exclusively with food.

 I don't expect this to be easy. After all, we are going into macaroni salad and ice cream season. (Damn you creamsicle soft serve!) But then again, we are also going to fresh-vegetables-at-the-farm-stand season.

There may be hope after all.