A Few Thoughts on the Last Year

Hey. It's been a long time hasn't it? I've been busy these last ten or so months due to family issues that I'll talk about some day. For now, let's just say it's been a tough year. 

One thing I noticed over the last year is how easy it is to slip into old habits when you're under stress. By old habits, I mean pasta-gulping, ice-cream slurping, bread-noshing habits. I read somewhere that when the body digests carbohydrates, it creates serotonin, otherwise known as the "feel-good" hormone. Well, I needed a lot of help feeling good these past few months.

Of course, that's an excuse. A good one for sure, but an excuse nonetheless.

So as I sit here writing, I also sit dealing with weight regain, thirty pounds to be exact. There are two ways to look at this I think. The first is to see myself as a complete and total failure, an utter sham. Why, don't I know that no one can keep the weight off forever? The second is to see myself as a person who lost 100 pounds and kept off 70. You see, in the past, when I regained weight, I gained it ALL back, And then some. To have gotten ahold of myself at a 30-pound regain and stopped it right there, now that is something different.

I'm spending most of my time these days in Way To Look At It #1.

It's interesting to note how I've been dealing with the practical ramifications of this weight regain, the most significant of which is that none of my clothes fit. I did keep a few "fat clothes" as insurance, but only a few, and even those don't fit well. I've been very creative at mixing and matching a limited number of ill-fitting items to cobble together five outfits for the workweek -- and who says you can't wear the same thing twice in a week? What I was determined to avoid was buying new, that is, larger, clothes. Because that felt like even more failure. Not only did I regain a large amount of weight, but I gave up and bought a new wardrobe. 

I will not not give up! I will lose this regained weight! Dammit!

Sigh.

It's about health, right? Well, yes. And no. It's also about who I am as a person. It's about how I relate to my family and friends. It's about seeing myself as someone who is worth something, thin or fat. It's a metaphor for my life.

A few weekends ago, I got fed up (no pun intended) with the situation, so I decided to buy a few pieces of clothing to alleviate my discomfort. Not a new wardrobe, but a few items. I went to Salvation Army and spent $17 on four shirts and one pair of shorts. Woohoo! Way to treat yourself girl!

I'm not sure what the next few months hold, but what I would like to do is get back to my old new eating habits and see what happens. Maybe I'll be able to lose some of the weight I regained. Maybe not. Certainly I'll feel better if I eat better. Perhaps along the way I'll discover why I equate feeling good (and to be completely truthful, BEING good) so exclusively with food.

 I don't expect this to be easy. After all, we are going into macaroni salad and ice cream season. (Damn you creamsicle soft serve!) But then again, we are also going to fresh-vegetables-at-the-farm-stand season.

There may be hope after all.