Thursday, August 16, 2012

Talking About It

When I started writing this blog, I had no idea where it would take me. I distinctly remember the moment when I pressed the “publish” button for the first time – now that was one strange feeling. Good grief, I had just sent my innermost thoughts out into the big, bad blogosphere! What would happen now?

Well, reality check. That first week my efforts produced only a handful of page hits from a few loyal friends. Over the course of these last few months, my readership has grown a fair bit and I’ve met some wonderful people in the process. All in all, it’s been a great experience.

It’s also been a challenge. Between my job (Where, believe it or not, they actually expect me to work! Don’t they know I have a blog?!) and my other family and personal responsibilities, finding time to write hasn’t been easy. But I feel compelled to do it. You see, this is the one place where I can talk about weight. I can’t do that in the Real World.

There was a brief time, right after I reached my goal weight in 2008, when I could talk about it. In fact, I couldn’t stop talking about it because every person I encountered did a double-take and then asked me about my weight loss. Oh my God, they’d say, you look completely different! How did you do it? The spotlight was relentless. Eventually though the excitement died down and people’s reactions started to change. The general vibe that developed goes something like this: OK, you lost some weight. Good for you. Can you stop talking about it and just go back to normal now?

Um, no. To maintain a weight loss this large, you can never go back to normal, not unless you want to risk regaining the weight you lost. And I do not want to risk that. You see, I wasn’t just overweight. I wasn’t even just obese. I was F A T. Scary, crazy, attention-grabbing F A T. I was the kind of fat that makes little kids shout, “Mommy, look at that F A T lady!” The kind of fat that makes even adults stare. The kind of fat that makes going to the doctor for routine medical care, going to the beach for a swim on a hot summer day, even going to buy a dress for a special event, an exercise in shame and embarrassment.   

So, here I am, wanting desperately to share what has become the defining experience of my life and doncha know, no one wants to hear it. It seems that weight is in the company of those other taboo topics – politics, religion and intimate bodily functions – not for discussion in polite company. For a few years I tried to keep it under wraps, do what I needed to in the privacy of my own home and hold my tongue whenever the conversation turned to “did you know wine is a fruit” and all that. In other words, I tried to pass for normal. But, I’m not normal. And suppressing something that is so big, so important to me, well, it just doesn’t work.

You could say that writing this blog has helped me to find my voice. At age 55, I’d say it’s about time.

7 comments:

  1. I lost a good amount of weight and have been in maintenance mode for a few years. The months immediately after reaching goal weight, I became like a religious convert and couldn't stop talking about my new religion, low carb lifestyle. Eventually I got on my own nerves and tried to find normal again. It's definitely a new kind of normal.

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    1. It's great to meet you Forever Young! It looks like you started blogging right around the same time that I did. I've been in maintenance for about 4-1/2 years and the thing I've noticed is that you always have to be on your toes. Once I go automatic, I start to regain. That's my new normal: eternal vigilance!

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  2. You are spot on! To maintain a large weight loss we have to change who we are, how we live, how we think ~ everything. People who haven't experienced it just don't get it. Finding others on line who are walking similar paths who can understand and support us is extremely helpful on the journey. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Welcome Terry! Writing this blog has been really helpful for me for just those reasons, finding a community of people who've been where I've been. And you're right, we really do have to change EVERYTHING to keep the weight off.

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  3. I agree. There is this need to talk about such a significant part of our lives. And honestly, seven long years into the journey I am finding it is still just as big a struggle, so I need a place to talk about that too.

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    1. Seven years! Wow! That's an incredible accomplishment. Next February will be five years for me.

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  4. Well, yes, I started the last weight loss 7 1/2 years ago, so over 6 years of maintenance, but as you know, I am up a bit from my lowest weight. Still working on it though!

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