Yet, when it comes to food, I think I still believe that somehow
I can have it all. A large part of the agony of my post-fat life is that I
haven’t found the balance, that place where healthy eating co-exists in perfect
harmony with food culture and custom. I suppose you could say that I want to
have my cake and eat it too!
Isn’t that the Promised Land we all hunger for? That once you
are slender, you need only adopt a simple “lifestyle
change” and all will be well forevermore. This is the great lie. It often
seems that I’ve merely made a trade, an exchange of the problems of obesity for
the problems of staying thin in a food-obsessed world, not the least of which
is the constant dilemma. Do I eat this piece of cake and then gird myself for
the number on the scale the next morning? Or do I resist this piece of cake and
risk making
a fuss? It’s maddening that there is no right answer ever, just a weighing
of which choice has the most undesirable consequences.
The cruelest moments are when I realize that I have created
the dilemma myself! My husband has a birthday coming up and I heard myself
asking him if he wanted me to bake him a cake. Not just any cake, but a cake
covered in shredded coconut, his favorite. If you know anything about food, you
know that shredded coconut is a particularly delicious – and evil – substance.
One cup of shredded coconut equates to over 450 calories, nearly 150% of the
recommended maximum daily allowance of saturated fat and 10 teaspoons of sugar
– and I will need way more than one cup. Yet, I’ll make the cake for him and
inevitably I will feel compelled to eat some of it. Why on earth do I do that?
Well, remember, food is love.
I suppose that sounds like I’m justifying my irrational behavior. Um, yes, I
am. For food is not rational. Maybe this is the real challenge, to find a way
of living that respects the head, with its hard-earned knowledge of nutrition
and health, yet also the heart, full of longing and memory, where the simple
act of eating is inextricably linked with people we love and times we cherish.
I’ve spent the last four years searching for an equilibrium
that always seems just beyond reach. What if there is no perfect balance
between health and food culture, no place where having it all is anything other
than another fairy tale? What if having it all is not the point after all, but
rather making sure you have what is most dear? Health is dear to me. So are my
family and friends.
I was afraid I was going to say something like that.
Sandy, I'm coming to believe there are many parallels between the food issues and alcoholics dealing with their issue(s). It might sound strange coming from a non-drinker, but my life was changed much for the better when I started getting into what AA teaches. Take out drinking and insert your favorite self-destructive behavior, and 3/4 of what they teach applies. For AA's, there is no point at which you're an ex-alcoholic, just a recovering alcoholic who will spend the rest of your life one drink away from being a drunk. On-going vigilance is not just a good idea, it is essential to survival. And, just as important, maintaining sobriety - whether from alcohol or food - becomes much more successful when you have the on-going support and fellowship of others who also struggle, not simply from "civilians" who mean well but who ultimately don't truly understand. My issue is cholesterol, not calories, but I hear you loud and clear. Take my advice, Sandy: you need that cake like I need pizza; don't do it. If necessary, find a bakery that sells individual slices and bring one home.
ReplyDeleteBen
Ben, I can't say I disagree but it also seems more complicated. You can give up alcohol completely. You can't give up food completely -- well, you can, but you won't have problems for very long if you do! Maybe a better metaphor than balance is that it's a dance and you have to keep weighing your options (no pun intended). I also think it might be more important to stay in the question than to find a perfect answer, because I suspect there is no such thing.
ReplyDeleteSandy! This is so well stated. So glad I clicked over here to read this. Even your thoughtful reply to Ben's thoughtful comment is so well stated. Thanks for sharing your life.
ReplyDeleteDebby, it's great to meet you and I'm glad you enjoyed what I wrote. I checked out your website and I see you are in the 100-pound club too -- congrats and good work! I agree with what you said on your website, that this is something that we will always be working on. No magic bullet. No cure. Just working on it every day.
ReplyDeleteSandy, I just discovered your blog and wanted to thank you for writing it. I am going through and reading all of your posts and LOVING them. I, too, have a body chemistry of a similar disposition. In fact, I lost 75 pounds a couple of years ago doing what sounds like a similar plan to yours, but got sucked into the "moderation" theory and gained all but 20 pounds back. I am now beginning the slow slog back to where I need to be (mentally, physically, etc.) This post especially spoke to me as one who is also happily married, but is choosing to remain childless to focus on my career and happy life with friends and family. I very much look forward to a continued dialog with you, and again, thanks for starting this conversation!
ReplyDeleteIn health,
Jen
Jen, welcome to my blog! I hear you about regaining. I've been through several episodes of big weight loss followed by big weight gain. I lost about 60 pounds in the mid to late 90s, kept if off for a year or so, and then regained 80 pounds. When I embarked on a new weight loss program 5 years ago, I felt really annoyed to have to start all over again. But I guess you just have to start wherever you are. I've been maintaining this latest weight loss for 4-1/2 years and have found that it requires a lot of focus. It's worth it though. We'll be talking!
DeleteCongratulations, Sandy! That really is such a HUGE accomplishment! I'm curious: What do you feel was different the last time around for you? Why do you think *this* was the time that made it stick? And I firmly agree with you. The first step is always acceptance. And that's something I'm working through now... Accepting that this is who I am, what my body is like and what I need, despite what the rest of the world might have me believe. Very much looking forward to talking more!
ReplyDeleteThere were two things that are different this time. The first is that I didn't do it alone this time. I lost weight by participating in a diet and exercise behavior modification program that was supervised by a doctor and a nutritionist. When I reached my goal weight, I continued to see the nutritionist once every month or two, to develop and tweak my maintenance diet. Her help has been key. The second thing that's different is that I've been very public about it this time. I've talked a lot about it to friends, family, etc, but I've also recorded essays for my local NPR station and now I'm doing this blog. I don't take it for granted though -- I have to work on it every day.
DeleteThat's great, Sandy. And awesome that you can tie the success this time around to such specific actions. I'm curious, the program that you did with the doctor/nutritionist: did it make use of any kind of supplements? Or did they have you on straight food from the beginning? (As you can tell, I'm plotting my next step! ;-) )
ReplyDeleteNo supplements, just regular food. The weight loss diet was low fat, low carb, about 1200 calories per day. The low carb part supressed hunger quite a bit. For maintenance, they wanted to move me to more of a Mediterranean type diet, but I've still had to limit the carbs a bit, otherwise my weight starts to inch up steadily. I eat between 1500 and 2000 calories a day, depending on how much exercise I get. More exercise = more food!
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