Well, reality check. That first week my efforts produced
only a handful of page hits from a few loyal friends. Over the course of these
last few months, my readership has grown a fair bit and I’ve met some wonderful
people in the process. All in all, it’s been a great experience.
It’s also been a challenge. Between my job (Where, believe
it or not, they actually expect me to work! Don’t they know I have a blog?!)
and my other family and personal responsibilities, finding time to write hasn’t
been easy. But I feel compelled to do it. You see, this is the one place where
I can talk about weight. I can’t do that in the Real World.
There was a brief time, right after I reached my goal weight
in 2008, when I could talk about it.
In fact, I couldn’t stop talking about it because every person I encountered did
a double-take and then asked me about my weight loss. Oh my God, they’d say,
you look completely different! How did you do it? The spotlight was relentless.
Eventually though the excitement died down and people’s reactions started to
change. The general vibe that developed goes something like this: OK, you lost
some weight. Good for you. Can you stop talking about it and just go back to
normal now?
Um, no. To maintain a weight loss this large, you can never
go back to normal, not unless you want to risk regaining the weight you lost. And
I do not want to risk that. You see,
I wasn’t just overweight. I wasn’t even just obese. I was F A T. Scary, crazy,
attention-grabbing F A T. I was the kind of fat that makes little kids shout,
“Mommy, look at that F A T lady!” The kind of fat that makes even adults stare.
The kind of fat that makes going to the doctor for routine medical care, going
to the beach for a swim on a hot summer day, even going to buy a dress for a
special event, an exercise in shame and embarrassment.
So, here I am, wanting desperately to share what has become the
defining experience of my life and doncha know, no one wants to hear it. It
seems that weight is in the company of those other taboo topics – politics,
religion and intimate bodily functions – not for discussion in polite company. For
a few years I tried to keep it under wraps, do what I needed to in the privacy
of my own home and hold my tongue whenever the conversation turned to “did you
know wine is a fruit” and all that. In other words, I tried to pass for normal.
But, I’m not normal. And suppressing something that is so big, so important to me,
well, it just doesn’t work.
You could say that writing this blog has helped me to find
my voice. At age 55, I’d say it’s about time.
